EMOTIONAL SECURITY IN CHILDREN
We all are likely to
benefit from increased levels of emotional security. Emotional security is a
rather nebulous concept that includes how we feel about ourself, how good we
feel in relationships with other people who are important to us (eg family),
and how confident we are that things will turn out well for us.
Probably all of us feel
some elements of doubt in some of these areas, and especially children - if
they are able to think in these terms.
One of the main functions
of a family unit is to foster feelings of emotional security in children, and
often much of the irritating or negative behaviour seen in children can be
removed through actively raising the child's levels of emotional security.
This is an easy claim to
make, but often in actuality a harder thing to achieve. Following are some
techniques that have been tried and found useful in raising the level of
emotional security in children.
1. A very successful
technique is to set aside 3 to 5 minutes every night for the child. After
the child has gone to bed, mum or dad (take turns) should go in, turn off the
light, and sit on the side of the bed in the dark. The child is in the security
of its own bed, with a little body contact with the parent, and no eye contact,
because it is dark. Then the parents should just talk about their own day,
share some of the things that happened. No questions, and not asking the child
to talk. When the child learns that this is a regular occurrence s/he will
initiate things and feel free to share, and topics involving emotional stress
are likely to come out.
2. When the child makes a
statement to you (eg "I hate school"), try not to block, or answer
the comment. Try to extend the comment. The child may not really realise the
feeling behind this statement, and you may never find out unless you can get
the child to clarify it. One technique that can be effective, is to hand it
back to the child in a questioning way - (eg "You hate school?") to
which the reply may be - "no just the teachers" - so you say,
"You hate all the teachers?" "Well, not all, mainly Mr
Jones" etc.
3. The question
"Why" rarely achieves anything with little children. Seldom can they
provide an adequate answer to such a question, and so effectively they are
cornered. Try to avoid "why".
4. Also try to avoid the
words "NO" or "WRONG", especially
when the child is attempting to do something (eg reading). "Almost
right" or "Not quite but getting better" are likely to keep the
child interested and keen to try. The words "NO" and
"WRONG" are likely to make a child give up as a failure.
5. Try to let your children
know that they are good at things, that they are nice people, and that you like
them. Generally we tell our children when they fail, when they annoy us, or
when we feel let down by them, but we don't let them know the good things. Many
children thus get the impression that they are failures and develop a poor
self-concept.
6. Right handed children
like to sleep on the right side, or on the stomach with head to the left
shoulder. Left handed children generally sleep facing the other way. Try to
place your child's bed so that in the natural sleeping position (according to
handedness) s/he sleeps facing the wall.
This tends to give the
child added security, and often has the effect of eliminating problems with
light sleepers as well as nightmares and bed-wetting. Placing a
child's bed at right angles to a wall, extending out into the room, is best
avoided with children who are light or restless sleepers, as it provides little
or no security to the sleeping child.
7. If a child needs a
nightlight, try a blue or green bulb rather than a red one. Blue and green are
pacifying colours, whereas red is stimulating.
8. Try to accept your
child's reality. If the child is upset or scared about something, irrespective
of how irrelevant or trivial it may seem, accept that this is the real feeling
of the child. Rather than dismissing the complaint or saying that it does not
matter or not to be silly, ask what the child is feeling and then help to go
through these feelings so that the child can either accept or work around the
worrying feeling.
9. If possible, try to set
aside a short amount of time on a regular basis, in which your children can
have your undivided attention perhaps ten minutes straight after tea, or may be
while doing the dishes. This may help avoid the repetitious 'in a minute'
response which we constantly find ourselves giving to our children.
10. Read to your children.
Younger children (2 - 6) enjoy and benefit from favourite books being read and
re-read to them numerous times - so that they learn the whole story by heart
and can "read" it back to themselves just by looking at
the book. Older children (7 - 10) benefit from having something interesting
read to them by a parent, so that they feel they are sharing a common interest
with the parent - maybe historic stories or children's encyclopaedia stories.
11. Fool around with your
children. Let them see that adults can laugh and play, can be silly, as well as
being serious.
12. Consistency on the part
of adults is of prime importance. If you act consistently the child will know where
it stands. If not, the child will be confused, and become unpredictable as
well. Always do as you say. Do not threaten punishment unless you are willing
to carry it out, otherwise you lose credibility. The same applies to offering
rewards.
*
Overheard one child to another: "Don't do that to the bee, Reid, it won't
lay you any more honey".