SEXUALITY
by Walter Last
Strong
emotions and energy flows are an integral part of sexuality and, with this,
sexuality has also the potential to cause enormous problems if these emotions
and energies are blocked or misdirected. Due to our social conditions,
unimpeded sexuality is rare and sexual repression is the norm, so much so, that
most of us do not even realise that something is wrong. We do not know what
natural, free-flowing sexuality is.
I
see two main factors that led to this situation in our society. One is our
competitive, ego-centred and male dominated social structure and value system,
and the other our restrictive religious teachings and traditions.
NATURAL
DEVELOPMENT
Sexuality
is much more than having sex. It involves a wide range of feelings and emotions
at all ages. In the foetus sexuality is experienced as total security, the
reassuring heartbeat of the mother, the gentle rocking motion of its fluid bed
and the sucking of its thumb.
For
the baby sexuality means lying against a warm, soft body, feeling its love and
auric energies, gently touching and suckling at a nourishing and full-blooded
erect nipple. The growing infant retains this need for loving touching and
gentle body contact. Later, exploring the genitals and using them to generate pleasurable
feelings is as natural and important as exploring aspects of the environment.
Of special importance is an intimate relationship, includving bodily contact,
with the parent of the opposite sex or with his or her substitute.
With
puberty sexuality bursts into the open and produces powerful longings. The
awakening sexual feelings need an outlet. This is provided for the girl through
romantic ideals, hero adoration and in a practical way involving religious and
charitable service. Sport and nature activities provide an outlet for both
sexes.
Teenage
boys long for adventure, they need to develop and test their abilities by
following or imitating a chosen hero or role model. These romanticised
adventure activities channel the sexual energies into safe outlets conducive to
inner and outer growth and social development without suppressing sexual
feelings or activities. Ideally, the relationship of children and teenagers
with their parents should be such that all sex-related subjects can be freely
discussed and practical instructions given by the parent of the same sex.
Romantic
relationships with the opposite sex remain for many years just that, romantic.
This is the flowering time of erotic love with ever increasing levels of
intimacy but with penetrative sex only in the later teens within the context of
a loving relationship. The challenge now is to transform erotic love, which is
like a straw fire, into mature lasting love for the partner. Erotic love is
based on sexual attraction, while mature love is a communion in spirit. This
transformation of love will allow the sexual relationship to mature more fully.
To
recapitulate, we may say that during pregnancy and birth the most important
aspect is being wanted. During babyhood breastfeeding and body contact are
central. The growing child needs to be immersed in a loving and harmonious
relationship of the whole family unit with much touching and experiencing of
feelings. Then comes the time of romantic idealism for the teenager and finally
the challenge to transform Eros into mature love and sex. This is the ideal of
what should be our normal and natural sexual evolution.
The
reality is and was so vastly different for most of us that it left an important
part of our sex-related emotional development greatly impaired. Instead of this
gradual, guided growth into a sexual relationship, we are expected to be
asexual with severe repression of sex-related feelings and impulses until we
are grown up and then overnight, without a suitable role model, become
responsible and accomplished sexual partners. That is just not possible.
WHEN
THINGS GO WRONG
The
importance of several of these factors for normal sexual development has been
demonstrated in an interesting experiment with monkeys. Immediately after birth
they were separated from their mothers and raised with two substitute
'mothers'. One was a wire structure containing a food bottle with nipple and
the other was with terry cloth over the wire, heated by an electric bulb
inside. The young monkeys adopted the cloth-covered structure as their mother
substitute and were distressed when it was temporarily removed. The bottle
structure was just a feeding machine to them. All these monkeys became
disturbed emotionally as well as in their behaviour when growing up and they were
unable to perform the sexual act successfully on maturity. Touch was
emotionally more important to them than food.
It
was often worse for human infants who were raised in government institutions
without even a cloth mother substitute. Most of us became blocked in our
sexual-emotional development at several stages of our upbringing. One of the
worst aspects for a baby is the feeling of not being wanted and especially if
it experiences hostility from one or both parents.
A
difficult birth, especially with forceps and glaring lights is traumatic, also
surgery and a negative attitude of some of those present at birth. Even worse
is the prolonged removal of the baby from the mother in most hospitals. More
than anything else, babies need persistent contact with the mother or a
suitable substitute for emotional security.
It
is so sad that many parents take great pride in a fanciful nursery room when
the baby only longs for contact with its mother. This is perceived as a
rejection by the baby, being left alone with feelings of insecurity for the
rest of the life. Such insecurities will later on surface again in a sexual
relationship. The more secure infants feel, the sooner they will venture off on
their own to explore their surroundings.
Further
problems frequently arise in the 'anal' phase with too early or too severe
toilet training. Instead of acquiring voluntary control of the sphincter
muscle, children permanently contract the gluteal muscles and those of the
pelvic floor. In later life this leads to diminished sexual energies and
feelings.
Another
conflict often arises between the ages of two and six when the parents suppress
any manifestations of infantile sexuality. This may be in the form of touching,
masturbating, displaying the genitals or it may be erotic contact with the
parent of the opposite sex. Such body contact is pleasurable for the child and
necessary for the identification with its body and the development of
pleasurable erotic feelings for the opposite sex. Problems arise when the
parent either rejects close body contact or manipulates the child for his or
her own sexual desires.
Psychologists
speak of an oedipal situation at the age of five or six when the child must
choose between its sexual feelings and retaining the love of the parents by
being a 'good' child. Most children choose to be good and suppress their
sexuality. This then leads to frustration with the opposite sex in later life.
Sexual feelings, like other feelings, are suppressed by tensing the muscles,
especially in the pelvic area and making the body rigid.
During
our school years examination anxieties greatly contribute to our general
insecurities and make us more nervous and neurotic. As teenagers we often lack
suitable outlets for our creative energies and romantic ideals. If our overflowing
sexual energy is not transformed into creative energy in the form of sport, art
or adventure, then masturbation remains as the only outlet in addition to
erotic and wet dreams. This then may also lead to premature penetrative sex as
an experiment or because of peer pressure, without feelings of love and
sharing, so necessary for mature sex.
SEXUAL
NEUROSIS
Because
of the emotional problems of our parents most of us had to face severe
emotional stresses ourselves in our childhood and now us adults are neurotic to
varying degrees. I take 'neurotic' to mean that we have emotional disturbances
and inhibitions that prevent us from finding fulfilment in life and
specifically in our sexual relationships.
Neurosis
manifests in all aspects of our personality, in our feelings and emotions, in
our character structure as well as our body structure and body functions. If we
have sexual problems, we also have problems in our other social relationships.
Our childhood experiences lead us to the type of sexual and marriage partner we
choose, the kind of sex we like or dislike, what we feel and how satisfied we
are in life.
Symptoms
of such sexual neurosis are manifold, such as shyness, stuttering, difficulty
urinating if someone looks, fear of nudity, premature ejaculation, impotence,
frigidity or generally failure to achieve full orgasm, lack of fulfilment,
nymphomania and rape. Neurosis also contributes to many diseases and especially
to those of the female sexual organs.
As
adults we usually are completely unaware that the emotional scars from our
childhood are still subconsciously active and even dominating our behaviour and
decision-making. Our lower self, however, remembers fully because that is what
it is made of - memories are the basis of our inner life.
If
we felt deprived of something important as an infant, we will continue to feel
deprived as an adult. If we felt fearful or hostile towards our mother or
father, we later feel subconsciously hostile towards all men or women in a
close relationship or are afraid of them. How can we have a normal, fulfilling
sexual relationship or any other close relationship with someone we fear or
hate subconsciously?
It
is said that we can only fully love a man or a woman if we basically love all
men or all women. If we are subconsciously fearful of the opposite sex, then
quite naturally we develop a fear of penetration and become impotent or frigid.
Strong hostility towards the mother can later lead to an inability for a man to
have sex with a woman unless he humiliates her, possibly in the form of violent
rape. Pornography is a fantasy outlet for many forms of sexual neurosis but it
is only a poor substitute for uninhibited sexual functions.
SEXUAL TYPES
Psychologists
have devised various systems linking our childhood experiences with our sexual
problems as adults. They may distinguish between the following sexual types:
schizoid, oral, psychopathic, masochistic and rigid. A normal type does not
seem to be part of their experience.
The
schizoid type experienced emotional trauma already around birth and,
therefore, did not fully connect with the body. When things become difficult,
schizoids just withdraw from reality and live in fantasy. The resulting lack of
body feeling and identification with the 'self' also leads to confused sexual
identification, and schizoids easily become homosexual or prostitutes. Many
passive lesbians are schizoid as they crave for warmth and human comfort like
deprived children. The orgastic potency is usually very low, that is the
ability to reach a full orgasm.
The
oral type is widespread because of the general abandonment of
breastfeeding in our society. The baby felt abandoned and sex is sought mainly
for closeness and contact, similar to the schizoid type. The breast is
worshipped and oral sex enjoyed. Sexual relationships as well as sexual
functions remain immature. Also anal sex is related to the oral phase.
Sensuality, superficial feelings that make us feel good, are used as a
substitute for orgastic sexuality, but cannot achieve a deep emotional energy
release.
The
psychopathic type evolved from a child that felt it had to manipulate
the parent of the opposite sex to get what it wanted. In later life the need to
be taken care of is achieved either through bullying or seduction. Sex is often
hostile with much fantasy. Feelings of contempt for the partner cover
suppressed feelings of inferiority. Sexuality is used to control, to conquer
and dominate, pleasure is secondary. Often the behaviour in a relationship is
irresponsible.
The
masochistic type evolved from domineering parents who crushed the
child's creativity and self-respect. This lack of self-worth is expressed in a
sexual relationship as a need to be humiliated. Sexual excitement can be gained
from inflicted pain. The masochistic male may have a problem achieving
ejaculation.
While
most neurotic individuals have various rigidities, these are especially
prevalent in the rigid type. The child suppressed sexual and other
tender feelings in response to a perceived rejection by the parent of the opposite
sex, generally an emotionally cold parent who did not tenderly touch or cuddle
the child. The child learned not to cry or show emotions. The rigid adult
chooses sex over love and is a sex performer without deep feelings and greatly
decreased orgastic potency. Sexual activity is compulsive and mechanical,
performance provides ego satisfaction, emotional warmth and physical closeness
are avoided.
Commonly
we combine features of several types in our sexual make-up but with one type
being dominant. In the way we resolved the Oedipus complex as a child or the
relationship with the parent of the opposite sex, we assume different sexual
roles as an adult. We may either act as a son or daughter, as a sister or
brother, as hero, sweetheart or romantic ideal, as a father or mother figure.
However, if we have resolved the problem in a natural way, we act as a mature
adult, encompassing all roles and playing each one as appropriate.
If
the relationship of a girl with her father remains emotionally unresolved, then
as an adult she tends to act mainly on the daughter level, looking for a father
figure and easily becoming just a sex object in danger of drifting into
prostitution.
If
the girl channelled her sexual feelings into sympathy for the father, she may
play the role of sister and see herself as companion and helpmate of her man,
wanting to share everything, but sexual contact remains relatively unimportant
and unexciting.
If
the sexual feelings for the father have not been suppressed as with the sister
type, but just held back, the romantic type emerges, emotionally the eternal
virgin, teasing but not wanting to be possessed by a man. She likes flirting,
as she needs romantic excitement but has a problem combining love with sex.
Because of resulting emotional conflicts, this type is psychologically also
called the hysterical type.
The
girl who matures too early by replacing sexual feelings for her father with
motherly instincts later becomes a mother type with little sexual interest. She
becomes attracted to immature males of the son-type whom she can mother.
Each
type has an unresolved conflict, the daughter type between acceptance and
rejection of herself, the sister type between passivity and aggression, the
romantic type between surrender and resistance and the mother type between
submission and dominance.
In
the male the conflict of the son type is between acceptance and rejection of
himself, he is the playboy type, immature and irresponsible. The brother type
assumes the role of protector, his conflict is between aggression to protect
the woman and passivity or inability to satisfy his own needs. The conflict of
the Casanova-like hero or knight type is between emotional surrender and
resistance to the female, while the authoritative father type is torn between
dominance and submission.
ORGASM
There
is a popular misconception that if a man ejaculates or a woman has pleasurable
feelings at the height of the sexual act that this is an orgasm. It is not
necessarily so, at least in the view of bio-energetic psychology. Usually there
is just a climax with more or less of an orgastic component.
A
full orgasm may be described about as follows: With climax approaching, the
formerly voluntary body movements suddenly become involuntary with a strong
increase in genital sensations. Just before the discharge, melting sensations
are felt in the pelvis.
Orgasm
starts with a strong contraction around the base of the penis and the opening
of the vagina. A flood of feelings rushes downwards while the whole body
convulses in unison with each involuntary forward swing of the pelvis. Now the
whole body is engulfed in melting and streaming sensations. Ejaculation takes
place in pulsating squirts. There may be a sensation of flying or spinning or
something similar at the hight of the orgasm. Afterwards there is a full
relaxation with an inner glowing and a feeling of utter satisfaction and
contentment.
In
order to achieve such a full orgasm, there must be a sufficient build-up of
sexual energy beforehand. If the body is generally low in energy, if the energy
flow is blocked through armouring or if there is insufficient foreplay or
feeling awareness, then there will be only a low charge of sexual energy in the
pelvis and consequently a weak discharge of energy and feelings.
A
strong field of sexual energy in one partner will help the other to achieve a
greater charge, if both are fully charged they will greatly increase each
other's orgasm. Conversely, with a weakly charged partner or with masturbation
our orgastic feelings will be diminished, usually also with oral sex, as close
contact of the fully charged genital areas is required for maximal potential.
A
strong sexual charge consists not only of sexual energies, but also of feeling
energies. Normally, tender, loving feelings towards each other greatly help to
increase our sexual charge. As an emergency measure when such tender feelings
are blocked, some can achieve the necessary emotional excitement with sadistic
or masochistic measures, sometimes just with a fantasy of raping or being raped.
Also various forms of pornography are used as a substitute, usually an
inadequate one, for tender, loving feelings.
With
strong, loving feelings, on the other hand, an almost irresistible desire may
build up to melt into each other. The sexual charge and physical union then
follow as a natural consequence. This will automatically lead to a true and
full orgasm. For a woman who has difficulty coming to an orgasm it may be made
easier if her partner positions himself on top somewhat higher than usual so
that their navels meet. With this, the shaft of the penis will rub or press
during movement inside the vagina in addition also on the clitoris.
Kinsey
investigated a large number of American males and found six types of climax,
none of which approached a natural, full orgasm as described before. However,
such a full orgasm is possible after overcoming bodily rigidities and emotional
inhibitions, and it is a 'natural' for more 'primitive' races without sexual
inhibitions.
The most common and obvious signs of
only a partial orgasm are:
1) a clitoral rather than a deep vaginal climax;
2) feelings confined to the sexual organs rather than
full body feelings of melting;
3) inhibition of movements, especially of the
involuntary convulsive movements;
4) inhibition of spontaneous sound expressions;
5) ejaculation without pulsating squirts;
6) premature ejaculation or continuing sex after
ejaculation;
7) lack of complete relaxation and satisfaction after
the climax.
As
a general rule, we may say that the less the climax is associated with
pleasurable streamings and whole body feelings, and the more it is confined to
the sexual area only, the less it is a real orgasm but rather just a low-energy
mechanical discharge.
Wilhelm
Reich was the first to describe the negative consequences of blocked sexual
energies and the nature and purpose of the orgasm as a discharge of excess
bio-energy with the additional liberation of feeling energy.
Beyond Orgasm
Unfortunately,
in addition to exciting peaks, orgasms tend to produce powerful negative
side-effects that are only now becoming more widely recognized. This is due to
rigidly controlled hormonal activity which seems to be the same in all mammals
to ensure certain evolutionary objectives. These objectives are a wide mixing
of gene pools and the safe raising of offspring. This is achieved with the
following hormonal changes.
The main hormonal
players are dopamine, prolactin and androgen receptor levels, which powerfully
affect our mood, our desire for intimacy, our perception of our mate, as well
as our susceptibility to addictive activities and substances. When we are
aroused our dopamine level rises. At a neurochemical level, falling in love is
like taking recreational drugs. At the time of orgasm we have a dopamine
brainstorm that is just like a dose of heroin. Afterwards dopamine levels fall
sharply with the usual withdrawal symptoms. This reaction tends to be immediate
in males and delayed in females.
At the same time
prolactin levels rise and androgen receptors fall. This disturbed hormone
equilibrium lasts up to two weeks for females but less for males. During this
time we may be more irritable, dissatisfied, anxious or depressed, and instead
of seeing the good side of our mate, we are now painfully aware of his or her
shortcomings. This is exactly the same process and length of time these
hormones need to recover after a cocaine hit.
Initially, during
the honeymoon period of our relationship, we quickly overcome our hormonal
blues by having more sex. This leads to rapid rises and falls in dopamine
levels and corresponding rapid emotional fluctuations in our relationship.
Later we become less and less interested in sex with our partner, and now we
try to prop up our dopamine level by becoming addicted to some kind of food or
drug, or by becoming interested in a new sexual partner. Basically this type of
behavior is the same for humans, primates, mammals and reptiles because it
originates from the primitive part of our brain.
There is, however,
a hormone that counteracts the negative effects of the dopamine rollercoaster,
and that is oxytocin, the cuddle-hormone. Oxytocin leads to strong
pair-bonding. In pair-bonded animals the dopamine rollercoaster stops after
successful mating, and now oxytocin ensures that both parents cooperate for the
survival of their offspring. Humans could do the same, mate only to produce
offspring and then abstain from sex. This might produce an emotionally stable
relationship for life, but most of us would also find it utterly boring.
The time-honored
solution to this problem is loving sex without orgasm. This greatly increases
oxytocin levels without producing emotionally disruptive dopamine, and it has
been practiced in Indian Tantra, by the Taoists, and apparently by early
Christians. In modern times it has been resurrected as Karezza and various
forms of spiritual sex. It heals and holds relationships together rather than
driving them apart as frequent orgasmic sex seems to do, and it also prevents
unwanted pregnancies. For more information see Spiritual
Sex. For a wealth of articles on the hormonal aspects of our sexuality see www.reuniting.info
SEXUAL
HEALING
Healing
our sexuality means freeing up our blocked energy flows and overcoming
subconscious negative conditioning by replacing it with positive feelings and
attitudes about our sexuality.
In
order to remove the energy blockages we need to relax our permanently tensed or
armoured muscles, especially in the thighs and the pelvic area, but also in the
neck and jaw. Bio-energetic exercises are excellent for this purpose. These
include shaking and vibrating the legs, the pelvis and the whole body;
stretching exercises, circling the hips, pelvic thrusts, kicking and bicycling
exercises, the '5 rites of rejuvenation' and other yoga exercises.
With
the moving exercises, such as circling, bicycling and pelvic thrusts the aim is
not to train and strengthen these muscles, but rather to move them to exhaustion,
which in turn will induce relaxation when stopping the exercise. During the
exercise we try to break through the pain threshold and may then be rewarded
with previously unknown pleasurable sensations in the pelvic area.
Another
aspect is to exhale through the mouth during these exercises and fully express
the spontaneously forming sounds, such as moaning, crying or shouting. Other
important measures are deep tissue massage and just pressing into tense
muscles, also reflexology can help as well as tracing acupuncture meridians.
For some of these, such as pressing into tight muscles, deep muscle massage as
well as various emotional therapies the cooperation of a friend may be
required. Alternatively, professional help may be used.
A
good exercise that can be done anytime, sitting, standing or lying down, is
rhythmically squeezing the buttocks. At other times just squeeze the pelvic
floor between anus and penis or vagina ever so lightly while concentrating your
awareness on the developing pleasurable feeling. The same can be felt during
slow walking or even while driving in a car. If you have problems with
erections, rhythmically and strongly squeeze towards the base of the penis.
IMPROVING
OUR FEELINGS
Feelings
are really what a sexual relationship is all about. The more we are able to
feel and express our feelings, the more satisfying is not only our sexual
activity but our life in general. If we are fearful or shy about some aspects
of sex, we will be fearful or shy in other aspects of our life as well. Our
sexual feelings reflect our emotional health in general and vice versa.
Often
our most basic subconscious feeling related to sex is fear. Out of this may
arise anger, hate and hostility. All of these negative feelings remain normally
suppressed and subconscious. After all, it was not acceptable to feel this way
as a child towards the parents and it is not acceptable now with a sexual
partner.
It
would have been easy to have open feelings of fear or hostility towards a
parent if we had been obviously mistreated. However, what is a young boy to do
if his mother is loving and sacrificing and he has sexual feelings for her. He
wants to be cuddled and touched but the mother is always too busy caring for
the family. He has to suppress his longing for caressing tenderness. He may
then come to fear these sexual feelings for his mother because they remain
unfulfilled and make him unhappy. This may later translate into a subconscious
fear of close emotional contact in a relationship.
On
the conscious level we are kind and loving to our partner as we were to our
mother or father. However, subconsciously we may feel the opposite because a
man's lower self now equates the sexual memories concerning his mother with his
feeling for all sexually attractive women. In the same way, a woman may equate
the memory of the sexual feelings for her father with her feelings for all
sexually attractive men.
This
deep emotional split between our conscious and our subconscious mind will
result in an emotional or organic dysfunction. We may thus develop frigidity or
fear of penetration, premature ejaculation, impotence, homosexuality and any
other form of sexual disorder. This split explains the observation that 'nice
men' are often poor lovers.
In
order to heal our split emotions and sexual feelings, we must break through the
superficial layer of being nice and contact our suppressed core feelings. This
is not easy but can be done with methods such as emotional release therapies
involving intentional kicking, hitting and screaming, crying or shouting. Even
just pressing into tense muscles may produce strong emotional reactions. In
addition, regression therapy or rebirthing will be helpful as well as the
services of an experienced psychic healer or bio-energetic therapist or
attending body-mind workshops.
After
most of the suppressed emotional pain has been contacted and released, positive
attitudes and feelings can be generated with guided imagery, meditation,
creative refocussing and other methods to heal the emotional wound. An
understanding partner will greatly speed up this process. If, on the other
hand, we just use meditation and other methods to generate positive feelings
without releasing the suppressed core, then we will reinforce the superficial
layer of 'niceness'. This, in turn may then intensify our inner emotional split
and, with this, our organic disabilities and sexual dysfunctions.
This
also shows how to raise our children without this emotional split. We must be
loving, honest and open with our sexual feelings and fulfil the child's
emotional needs appropriate to its age. The baby needs plenty of body contact,
including sleeping in contact with the mother. Breastfeeding should be extended
to more than six months and continue more sporadically for a long time
afterwards.
Why
not let infants watch our love play? That is how they learn. The growing child
continues to need a lot of cuddling and touching. If a parent feels a sexual
excitement when cuddling a child, then this should be converted into a feeling
of love and radiated back onto the child. Teach the child that there is nothing
dirty or shameful about a naked body. However, we also need to let the child
know the difference of what is appropriate in public and in private.
For
society as a whole I see two possibilities for adopting a healthy attitude
towards under-age sexuality, both have been used by various more enlightened
cultures or tribes in the past. One is complete openness in sexual matters,
letting children watch loving sexual activity of adults without any
restriction. This is nature's way as practised in the animal kingdom. This does
not necessarily lead to unwanted pregnancies as shown by the example of the
Trobriand Islanders given in my article on Healing Social Relationships.
The
other possibility is to lead the juvenile sexuality towards striving for high
ideals within the context of a loving and caring society. Older children are
given practical instructions in non-genital sexual activities as part of
school-related life-skills courses. At a given age or stage of sexual
development, teenagers are formally initiated into sacred genital sex. The
successful end of this sexual training may be marked by an individual or group
ceremony. With this they are now
regarded as young adults, and have unrestricted choice of partners. This method
has often been practised in tribal societies.
How it all works out depends on the customs of society and the examples
shown by the individual members of society.
FOOD
FOR SEX
We
cannot have a good sex life if we are malnourished. Certain nutrients improve
the sexual potency in general, while others are lost for the male with the
seminal fluid but may then become available to the female. Therefore, good
nutrition for good sex is more important for the male than for the female
High-quality
proteins are part of the seminal fluid and a high protein diet is sexually
stimulating. In our culture meat is preferred while in the Orient chickpeas are
used to improve sexual performance. The highest reputation has free-range raw
egg yolk, especially fertilised and very fresh. It supplies sulphur compounds
that are also high in the semen. However, even more effective than egg yolk is
raw minced meat.
Histamine
is produced from histidine, an amino acid. Individuals with an insensitive skin
are low in histamine and may have difficulty achieving ejaculation in the male
or orgasm in the female as the sexual organs are less sensitive than normal.
The acclaimed sexual stamina of Negro males may largely be attributed to their
low histamine levels.
High
histamine levels have the opposite effect. They sensitise not only the skin but
also the sexual organs and may lead to sexual over-stimulation, premature
ejaculation and vaginitis. Histamine levels can be elevated by making the body
more acid, as well as by supplementation with folic acid and niacin, both
B-group vitamins. Histamine levels can be reduced by making the body more
alkaline and avoiding foods and chemicals to which we are allergic.
The
seminal fluid is also high in zinc and requires much vitamin B6 and omega-3
fatty acids, which are found in fish oils and linseed oil. Deficiency of these
is widespread, especially in teenage boys with frequent loss of seminal fluid.
The same deficiency is common in schizophrenia. It starts most frequently in
teenage boys. I believe that there is a causal connection.
Formerly
doctors maintained that excessive masturbation could lead to insanity. They may
have been right after all, although modern medicine dismisses this as a myth.
It is also a scientific fact that zinc deficiency leads to underdeveloped male
sexual organs and later in life to enlargement of the prostate gland. By
pointing out these connections I do not want to condemn masturbation but rather
improve nutritional awareness.
In
recent years it has been discovered that the body forms nitric oxide from the
amino acid arginine as a signal for the blood vessels of the penis to relax.
This is necessary so that the penis can fill with blood and have an erection.
Also magnesium supplements help to relax. Stress, on the other hand, or being
emotionally uptight, prevents this necessary relaxation and, with this, an
erection.
Various
herbs and alkaloids have traditionally been used to improve various sexual
functions. My favourite for improving and balancing the endocrine system in
general and sexual hormones in particular is Maca (botanical name Lepidium
meyenii). It appears to be more effective than Wild Yam and is especially helpful with age-related sexual
problems. Boron as in borax has been shown to improve and balance our levels of
sex hormones. Frequently used to improve sexual functions is Tribulus
terrestris.
TYPICALLY
FEMALE
Females,
too, have their share of trouble with their sexual organs. Foremost of these
are menstrual problems and pelvic infections. Both problems have much to do
with food, especially the other end of it, constipation to be exact.
The
constipated colon and in particular the rectum is a cesspool of toxic
decomposition products with a high content of harmful microbes. Both, toxins as
well as microbes can penetrate the wall of the colon. Because of the close
proximity to the uterus and ovaries, these are in greatest danger of being
contaminated.
The
main effect of toxic contamination is heavy menstrual bleeding with pain and
other discomfort. Microbial contamination leads to infection and inflammation
of the pelvic organs. Both conditions are not conducive to a healthy sex life.
Meat
consumption, combined with constipation, produces the most toxic bowel
conditions and the heaviest periods. The obvious solution is a clean colon.
This can be achieved with three relatively easy methods, preferably use all
three.
One
method is to have plenty of dietary fibre in the form of whole grains, fruit
and vegetables with many of these uncooked. Add sufficient freshly ground
linseed to meals or drink with fluid to achieve ideally one bowel movement for
each meal. Secondly, take cultures of acidophilus and bifidus bacteria and
thirdly, use a high footstool when using the toilet or squat in order to
achieve an easier and more complete bowel evacuation.
I
actually believe that the typical menstrual bleeding is unnatural and caused by
an impure bloodstream which delays healing of the wound caused by discarding
the lining of the uterus. Neither the higher mammals have such obvious periodic
bleeding nor women who live habitually on a mainly raw-food vegetarian diet.
They just reabsorb the shed uterus lining. These women do not have any
menstrual or menopausal discomfort but ovulate nevertheless and conceive
normally. I can confirm such published reports from my own observations.
A
clinical study found that taking plenty of ground linseed or linseed oil helps
postmenopausal women to have better vaginal lubrication, fish oil is also good.
Folic acid, in combination with antioxidants, is most important for preventing
or reversing pre-cancerous and cancerous conditions of the cervix and uterus.
Maca and Vitex (Chaste Tree) may be beneficial with most female menstrual and
sexual problems. Also frequently used are Black Cohosh and Dong Quai.
Selenium
in combination with the amino acid methionine (e.g. as selenium yeast) and
vitamin E are effective against periodic breast pain and swelling. Vitamin B6
with zinc and magnesium are good against premenstrual tension, especially if
also salt, sugar and fatty food are minimised or avoided and hidden food
allergies corrected. A high intake of iodine helps to prevent or dissolve cysts
as in breasts, ovaries, uterus and bladder. Taking good care of our body will
increase the pleasure that we derive from our sexuality.
Another
common problem is vaginal Candida infection resulting in thrush and potentially
painful intercourse. This is commonly associated with intestinal Candidiasis.
In this case the woman as well as her partner need to go on a long-term strict
anti-Candida program, for an outline see Candida and the
Antibiotic Syndrome, and for a more detailed program The
Ultimate Cleanse or OVERCOMING
CANDIDA. Most effective for local
treatment is to insert a capsule filled with
borax for several nights. When
making love while there is still some Candida problem in and around the vagina
lubricate liberally with oil and
possibly squirt some acidophilus yoghurt into the vagina beforehand.
Minimise strong movements and focus instead on feeling the energies with only
gentle movements and pressure changes; also see Karezza in Spiritual Sex.
Finally,
while not recommended to prevent pregnancy, if there has been an unintended ejaculation
or even the possibility of it, then it will greatly reduce the risk of
conception if the woman douches immediately with diluted vinegar or lemon juice,
or possibly just inserts a tampon soaked in diluted acid, as acids tend to kill
the sperm.
MAKING
LOVE
'Making
love' commonly is just a polite expression for having sex without feeling love.
One can have a loving sexual relationship for just one night or a lifelong
sexual relationship without love. For maximal emotional satisfaction try to
make, feel and express love with each sexual encounter. It is said that the
most important sexual organ of a woman is her brain and I would add that the
heart is of equal importance.
Kinsey
reported on the sexuality of the American male that about three quarters reach
ejaculation within two minutes after the initiation of sexual relations and
frequently ten to twenty seconds after penetration. Luckily for women, things
appear to have improved since the Kinsey report in 1948, but many still remain
dissatisfied with the undue haste of their man.
Loving
foreplay is part of the romance, stimulating the heart as well as the right
side of the brain. This is not only important for women but increasingly also
for men once they are no longer full of youthful vigour.
Not
only women but also many men enjoy and need to be played with to get 'into the
mood'. Increasingly, they come to resent the perception that they are expected
to 'perform'. They feel that they have to do all the work, first enticing a
woman into bed, excitedly undressing her, then stimulating her to get her
ready, then 'hopping on' and finally make her come. Women, on the other hand,
resent being made to feel just as sexual objects.
There
is often so much hidden fear and misunderstanding on both sides. Therefore,
take it easy, there is neither need to hurry nor to perform. Talk to each other
about what you like and how you like it. Make each other comfortable and dispel
any notion that he has to perform or she has to have an orgasm. This is
important even if you are already in a long-term relationship together.
Not
every time you have a sexual play you need to penetrate and not every time you
have penetrative sex you need to aim for an orgasm. If you do want an orgasm,
there is nothing wrong with having a clitoral orgasm but try to aim also for a
vaginal orgasm.
To
increase the flow of energies and feelings enhance pelvic movements by
rhythmically tensing and relaxing all the muscles between the knees and the
lower back. Intentionally make expressive sounds wherever this can be done in
privacy.
While
different positions and movements can offer different experiences, they are
less important than achieving a union of feelings. Do not try to increase your
pleasure with fantasies, go for the real thing instead. Focus your full
attention on your own feelings and on feeling united with your partner.
Fantasising of having sex with someone else is just like another form of
masturbation.
For
some men it may be preferable to delay ejaculation to either extend the
pleasure or give their partner time to build up towards the climax. This may be
done by playful interruptions, by slowing the breath, or temporarily even
holding the breath, by concentrating the feeling awareness on the heart or,
with the penis fully inserted, keeping in close contact with the pubic areas,
increasing and decreasing pressure in unison while not moving the penis.
A
somewhat drastic but nevertheless effective method of preventing ejaculation,
is to tense the whole body while also holding the breath. Alternatively, strong
finger pressure on the perineum just before ejaculation will keep the ejaculate
inside the body. This may require some practise as with all of these
techniques. However, if the climax is definitely approaching, do not try to
suppress it but start moving vigorously for a full orgasm. Suppressing
ejaculation repeatedly by tensing all muscles may lead to persistent muscle
tension in the pelvic area. A better method is to prevent ejaculation by
deliberately remaining very relaxed with slow breathing and focusing on the
heart or forehead center.
HOW
OFTEN?
The
frequency of intercourse is, of course, a highly individual matter. Normally I
see no reason to restrict sexual play if it does not involve either ejaculation
or suppression of sexual impulses. However the orgastic potential is usually
much stronger after a period of total abstention or separation.
From
a bio-energetic point of view females are much better able to have several
lovers than males who would either have to neglect one or become worn out. However,
I believe that even for females moderation leads to greater wellbeing. I also
believe that the difficulty of many women to achieve vaginal orgasm has much to
do with our somewhat unnatural habit of mating all year-round just for
pleasure. Female animals have days when they are in heat and strongly attract
males for mating. The same may be natural for humans.
Around
ovulation time a healthy woman who abstained for a month will have a strong
orgastic potential and her biochemistry and the whole body are geared to
receive a male. If there are no strong emotional blockages, she may find it
easier to have a vaginal orgasm, even after only short but vigorous
penetration.
Frequent
intercourse causes even more problems for men. While an occasional full orgasm
can be strongly invigorating, frequent ejaculation is decidedly weakening,
especially for men low in overall energy. If a man is sexually overstimulated,
he should better remove the nutritional and biochemical causes and find other
creative outlets for his energy. I have the impression that gluten allergy,
often associated with a rather whitish inner iris, sometimes may be able to
cause over-stimulation of the sex centre in the brain, synthetic food
colourings and possibly other chemicals may do the same. Such over-stimulation
can lead to excessive masturbation with several ejaculations every day. The
basic cause is the same as with drug addictions or any other addictions - to
stimulate and experience the release of dopamine. Generally it is much
healthier to have fewer ejaculations with strong orgasms than frequent
ejaculations with weak orgasms.
In
teenagers frequent ejaculation may impair the mental and physical development
while in later life sexual overactivity makes us susceptible to diseases and
premature ageing. What is 'frequent' depends very much on the individual's
constitution and commitments. For a healthy and strong young man habitually
having several ejaculations per week may be invigorating but that might be too
much for someone much older or with a weaker constitution.
In
a long-term relationship I see the ideal in having only sensuous and spiritual
sex plays for most of the month and orgastic intercourse close to ovulation, as
often as desired. A female in touch with her body will feel when the time is
right and let her partner know. Unfortunately, this also is the time with the
highest risk of conception, and therefore is not suitable without a safe
contraceptive.
ALTERNATIVES
For
those without a sexual partner the obvious choices are masturbation or
abstinence. For masturbation the same principles apply as for making love. That
is to aim for fewer climaxes but with stronger orgastic releases. For both
sexes this means waiting with masturbation until one feels a strong charge of
sexual energy and using pelvic movements, sound and feeling awareness to ensure
a strong orgasmic discharge. For males an ancient secret practise to improve
sexual energy is the swallowing of one's ejaculate, see http://sacredsemen.com/.
For
celibates an easy solution is a low-protein diet with few spices and
condiments. This may be suitable if there is sexual over-stimulation due to too
much histamine from over-acidity or food allergy, but otherwise I am not in
favour of this low energy approach. Rather I believe in making ourselves as
energetic as possible, including plenty of sexual energy, but learning to
channel this sexual energy into creative outlets, such as healing, sports,
charity work or arts.
An
alternative is the following 'rejuvenation rite' which is supposedly from a
Tibetan monastery where rejuvenation of the body was successfully practised.
This rite was used in combination with several other rites as shown in 'The Eye
of Revelation' by Peter Kelder. Also a daily raw egg yolk is recommended for
those of us who are no longer youthful in order to increase the sexual
energies.
When
sexually excited, stand and bend over with your hands on the knees and push all
the air out of your lungs. Then straighten up and with the hands on the hips
push up the shoulders. Pull the stomach in and up and hold this position as
long as possible. Then forcefully inhale through the nose and exhale
immediately through the mouth. The arms may now hang to the sides while you
take further deep breaths through the nose or the mouth. If you are still
sexually excited, repeat the same procedure as often as necessary.
What
many singles and especially women miss even more than sex is touching and
hugging. Some try to satisfy this need with regular massage therapy. However,
there may be a simple solution. If you feel deprived of touching and hugging
just form a local "hug club". Either discretely spread the word
around or put a notice in a suitable place asking for interested individuals to
contact you. You can then arrange a weekly meeting where you just hug for an
hour or two. As a follow-up step you may also give each other massages. You may
be surprised by the amount of interest in hugging 'out there'. You may also
form or join a healing group where hugging may be practiced together with
massaging, reflexology and the multitude of other self-healing techniques
available.
Eventually
you may also want to experiment with Karezza and meditative forms of hugging as
described in the separate article Spiritual Sex.
Sexual energy may be used in spiritual sex to energize the higher energy
centers or heal diseased organs with
guided imagery or meditation exercises, possibly leading to 'whole body orgasm'
or 'brain orgasm'.
GETTING
TO KNOW YOU
Sensitive
individuals are often apprehensive about the first sexual encounter with a new
partner. The man may have anxieties about erection, premature ejaculation and
satisfying his partner, while the women may fear penetration, getting
emotionally hurt or not coming to an orgasm. This can make the encounter rather
tense, and inner fears may become self-fulfilling.
Why
not proceed slowly and be intimate without intercourse until you are fully
relaxed with each other. This initial period of a relationship is precious, as
it is commonly the most exciting and romantic time. Enjoy it as long as you
can. Let your partner know that you feel this way. In a situation that might
normally lead straight to sex, tell your partner beforehand that you enjoy
becoming intimate gradually and do not intend having intercourse that night.
You may be surprised how relieved and agreeable your partner reacts. A whole
mountain of tension is suddenly removed.
A
good way to start the intimate part of your relationship is to have a shower or
bath together and then give each other a sensual massage. Continue exploring
each other's likes and dislikes and responses to touching and cuddling. You may
even spend the night together cuddled into each other. If, contrary to your
original intentions, you should be comfortable enough with each other to
proceed to full intercourse, nothing is lost and it will probably be a better
experience than it might have been in a tense atmosphere.
Such
intimacy together without penetrative sex may be quite satisfying for a
considerable length of time, especially in special situations, such as with
elderly couples or with physical or emotional handicaps or religious, spiritual
and adolescent celibates. A sexual relationship does not need to be an all or
nothing proposition, the macho encounters commonly portrayed on the screen are
not everyday reality. A loving sexual encounter without expectations cannot
result in dissatisfaction, it does not matter whether there was penetration or
orgasm, it is the loving feeling that matter most.
SPIRITUAL
SEX
Sexuality
is closely related to spirituality in several ways. In its negative aspects of
lust, sexual excess, degradation and rape, it appears as the antithesis of spirituality
and in this light it has been seen in the Christian tradition. However, in its
positive aspects our sexuality can open our heart to love and enables us to
have experiences similar to meditative states and mystical bliss during or
instead of an orgasm and its afterglow. In a less obvious and more involved way
sexual energies can be channelled upward to develop our chakra system and
higher energy bodies which, according to esoteric and yoga teachings, is part
of our spiritual evolution.
The
idea of celibacy for priests, nuns and monks is to spiritualise sexual energies
as in meditation, rituals and other devotional practices. While this generally
involves conscious exercises as in yoga, Christian mystics commonly transformed
their energies without conscious awareness through intense devotion. If
religious celibates fight to suppress their sexuality, they misunderstand the
deeper reason for the practice of celibacy and block their spiritual evolution
on that level.
There
are various yoga and meditation techniques to transform sexual energy into
kundalini or spiritual energy by oneself. However, there are also methods of
spiritual sex for couples. Karezza is a western practice that can be adopted
for spiritual sex, while in the east tantric yoga is concerned with the
transmutation of sexual energies. There has also been a tradition of temple
priestesses in Greece and eastern history who helped spiritual seekers with
ceremonial sex. On a different level ceremonial sex has, of course, also been
used in various cults.
Sexual
energy is a part of our hidden kundalini energy, which in turn is a
concentrated form of etheric and life-force energy. It can be used to create
children or just to have an orgasm or to fuel achievements in sports or
professional activities. However, its ultimate purpose is to facilitate
spiritual growth by developing our chakra system and higher energy bodies.
Commonly
esoteric teachings advise to curtail sexual activity and portray abstinence as
an ideal in order to retain sexual energies for internal development. However,
this can easily lead to suppression of sexual energies and emotional
deprivation. Methods of spiritual sex show a middle path between abstinence and
conventional sex. In many instances I believe them to be superior to abstinence
for developing our higher energy centers. They have the added advantage of
satisfying our emotional needs and providing the venue for a joint spiritual
venture for couples. For more detailed suggestions on spiritual sex see the
separate article Spiritual Sex.
A
SEX THERAPY
It
is not generally realised that many health and emotional problems can result
from unsatisfactory sexual relationships. These include migraine and tension
headaches, premenstrual tension and menopausal problems, depression,
irritability, discontent, violence, anxiety, disturbances of digestive and
sexual functions, psychotic symptoms, high blood pressure, even cancer has been
linked to blocked sexual energies and tensions. All of these may, of course,
also have other causes and contributing factors.
Problems
arise mainly when sexual energies are stimulated without being appropriately
used or released. This is the same as with other emotional energies. Commonly
this happens if the male ejaculates before his partner reaches orgasm, but it
also happens if the orgasmic release is weak or the encounter too short. The
signs of a full orgasm are strong involuntary movements, a blissful discharge
followed by complete relaxation and an afterglow of satisfaction and
contentment.
Ejaculation
in itself or clitoral orgasm do not indicate a full release of sexual tension.
There may then be the desire either for repeated or frequent sexual activity or
avoidance of sexual activity in order to avoid the resulting tension and
dissatisfaction. However, orgasm is only part of a successful sexual union,
another part, perhaps even more important, is the exchange of bio-energy and
emotional energy between the partners.
Accumulation
of sexual tension with its resulting health and emotional problems can be
prevented even without orgasm, while orgasm alone may not normally be
sufficient. The key to a successful sexual union is the duration, because it
takes time, usually about half an hour, for these energies to become exchanged
between the partners. This kind of sex therapy is not only effective but also
highly pleasurable, especially for sensitive individuals.
Sex
therapy requires two willing partners. Preferably there should be an atmosphere
of affection already well before the planned union. This should start with an
extended foreplay of caressing with full skin contact, possibly including a
sensual massage, but without any clitoral stimulation. However, if this kind of
union is routinely practised as a love meditation, then such elaborate
preparation may not be required.
To
initiate or greatly increase the feeling awareness of pleasurable sexual
energy, both partners may gently and rhythmically squeeze their buttocks or
just contract the perineum. Coordinate each gentle pelvic contraction with an
inhalation and with each other. After about half an hour the sexual energies
are sufficiently exchanged, sometimes noticed as an increase in sexual arousal
and the penis may now penetrate. However, this is not essential. If there
should be no erection or the vagina still dry, just remain in this position for
another half hour while gently caressing each other with full attention on your
feelings and exchanging energies.
If
penetration is desired but an erection does not come on its own, then start
gently rubbing the head of the penis between the entrance and the clitoris. It
needs to be moist, use lubricants if required. This is even more effective if
the female partner in this way plays with the penis and inserts it while the
male just relaxes and focuses only on feeling the sexual energy.
If
this is not sufficient, it is relatively easy in this position to insert a soft
penis. This may be a solution for those with erection problems. If you firmly
hold or squeeze the shaft of the soft penis, then any blood is pressed towards
the head of the penis and insertion will be easier. Once inside, gentle
movements by both partners increase the chance of a partial or full erection.
A common method for achieving and maintaining an
erection is by tying a wide strip of cotton firmly but not too tight several
times around the base of the penis between the scrotum and the anus. Also
adjustable wide rubber bands are offered on the Internet that are somewhat loose
when the penis is soft and become tight during an erection. This reduces the
outflow of blood and makes it easier to maintain an erection. Normally the
penis fills with blood during sexual excitement by increasing the inflow and
reducing the outflow. When blood vessels become weak, commonly with advancing
age, the outlet vessels do not sufficiently contract, too much blood flows out,
and an erection cannot be achieved or maintained.
Even
without an erection, focusing the awareness on the contact within the vagina
combined with slight pressure changes at the pubic areas or with gentle pelvic
contractions can be sufficiently satisfying and may eventually lead to more. It
also helps if the female partner can contract the muscles of the vaginal
entrance. However, gently liberating and feeling your sexual energies is more
important for your wellbeing then chasing an elusive erection or orgasm.
After
penetration continue to move slowly and concentrate on the sensations in the
sexual organs and the flow of energy and feelings between your bodies. If both
partners are sufficiently aroused after a prolonged foreplay, the vagina is
well lubricated and the male able to delay ejaculation, then the half hour
waiting time outside the vagina is not necessary and immediate penetration
acceptable. Should ejaculation occur early then just remain close together with
the soft penis inside the vagina until about half an hour has passed from the
time of penetration.
With
such a complete exchange of male and female energies combined with a full
orgasm, there is usually no desire for another sexual union for several days,
and it is actually best to wait until the full potential of sexual energies is
restored. The following union will then be more pleasant and satisfying then with
more frequent encounters. It is, however, relaxing to sleep together with
bodily contact.
The
alternative to orgasms is a deliberate choice to use this union as a love
meditation. You may just continue moving slowly while caressing each other for
hours while concentrating on feeling the energies and radiating feelings of
love onto each other. If this Karezza type of union is practised routinely as
love meditation or spiritual sex, then an elaborate foreplay to build up a
strong sexual charge is not necessary but may be used if so desired. Condoms
inhibit the exchange of sexual energies, while lubricating oils or jellies slow
it down, but this is not a problem when remaining connected for a long time.
It
may take some time and require several attempts to master this method and
achieve a maximum of enjoyment but it is well worth the effort in terms of
improved health and personal relationships. See also the related article Healing Social Relationships.